Well... this all flowed through my mind while back in Blane's room - let's see if i can get much of it down on paper (so often i never even get to this point :)
I was re-reading one of my favorite devotionals from Jesus Calling (Sara Young):
"Trust Me in the depths of your being. It is there that I live in constant communion with you. When you feel flustered and frazzled on the outside, do not get upset with yourself. You are only human, and the swirl of events going on all around you will sometimes feel overwhelming. Rather than scolding yourself for your humanness, remind yourself that I am both with you and within you.
I am with you at all times, encouraging and supportive rather than condemning. I know that deep within you, where I live, My Peace is your continual experience. Slow down your pace of living for a time. Quiet your mind in My Presence. Then you will be able to hear Me bestowing the resurrection blessing: Peace be with you."
Colossians 1:27; Matthew 28:20; John 20:19 (July 31 devo)
I think my favorite is the part: 'You are only human, and the swirl of events going on all around you will sometimes feel overwhelming. Rather than scolding yourself for your humanness, remind yourself that I am both with you and within you'
My mind lingered on 'overwhelming'. I have felt so overwhelmed since I got sick about a month and a half ago - not so much with thoughts of 'how will i get two children clothed and out the door and fix dinner tonight and 'get everything done'... but more like, 'will i ever feel better than i do right now?' 'will i be able to enjoy life as much as i can, physically... and then the weight of responsibility and the weight of the world tries to seep in... or slam me like a car door'. So what does overwhelming really mean?
tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms
1. To surge over and submerge; engulf: waves overwhelming the rocky shoreline.
2.
a. To defeat completely and decisively: Our team overwhelmed the visitors by 40 points.
b. To affect deeply in mind or emotion: Despair overwhelmed me.
3. To present with an excessive amount: They overwhelmed us with expensive gifts.
4. To turn over; upset: The small craft was overwhelmed by the enormous waves.
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So i was thinking... maybe we should redefine the word, overwhelmed - and/or the word, control - or at least the relationship between the two.
If things feel calm and in control, then they naturally feel less overwhelming - they feel doable. Things get out of our control, or beyond our control, and the overwhelming feelings wash back in like the tide - ready to sweep you out into the deep waters and drown you (at least i can feel like I'm drowning sometimes)! So how would this change if we knew things weren't actually out of control, just out of OUR control. Sounds simple right? We've heard it a hundred times how God is in control. But saying it and believing it are quite different aren't they? When this idea turns into a change in behavior, it has sunk in. So if i really believe that Someone IS in control. That He really is. And not only that, but He knows what's best - He knows me completely - and He has seen all my past and holds all my future... that should calm the waters.
I want the scope of my prayers to stretch far beyond my health and my husband's and children... Yes, I
share the Gospel with my child (and my family is my top priority!) - but who else have i actually shared the Gospel with lately, outside our home?
I want to cling to God's Word - know it - speak it - believe it - live it!
One thing He has been drawing me back to, clearly, is the relationship - to be about Him, not just what He is doing, not just doing things for Him.
When wading through these overwhelming and difficult waters, i have asked myself... am i getting weaker? I used to have a 'bring it on' attitude in EVERYTHING! But lately I am actually wondering... "or am I getting wiser?". I had often heard before children that having children will bring you to your knees, force you to become more dependent on God, and bring humility. Uh... Yah!!! Are you kidding me?! I am getting Weaker AND Wiser. For His Grace is sufficient for me... and He IS boasting in my weaknesses - for I am unable - He is Able - and the more dependent I become on Him, the more He humbles me, the more He draws me into walk with Him - commune with Him - to have a relationship with Him...
On this note, a week or so ago, i was back in Blane's room oh about 3am or so and my thoughts turned to 'my dreams, ambitions and goals'... many of which have been laid to the side or seemingly forever forgotten. I'll admit it frustrated me a bit. I started talking to God about my dreams and goals and ambitions and then the Holy Spirit spoke so clearly to me that it jolted me, and then covered me with His peace... He said, 'yes, my child, now may I take their place?' (He taking the place of 'My' goals, dreams etc) - coming back to what i was referencing earlier... He wants us to want Him. He wants the relationship. And He will do whatever necessary to bring us to that place.
Below is some pencil scratching that continued in this 'conversation with God' - ya'll bare with me b/c this is very very rough draft but i thought i would share in case it could bring any encouragement...
God, You have deserted my dreams
You have crippled my race
Is this really love? Is this what You
call Grace?
"Yes... my child... now may I take
their place?"
You scare me at times, I'm afraid
to admit
I get so frustrated, I just throw
a fit!
Why all the hurt - the unthinkable
pain?
"Oh... my child... It not I but sin
to blame"
So why did You let sin enter
this world?!?
You're You! You're God! You could have
stopped it with one word!
I don't understand-
"Ah... my child, now you speak the Truth.
There is but a difference between Me and you.
God, yes I AM, and God, you are not.
Thus I have assigned you your portion, your lot.
These answers you seek
are beyond your control
You want beyond the veil
which would surely take its toll
If i were to give them - these
things you desire
If there were no tears, no pain
and no trials
Would you be speaking to me now
........... my child?"
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